Living Heroically

"I want to live in a manner that feels heroic, that turns the invisible to the visible, that is a solid intrusion of the eternal into the divided streets of humanity."

I love this quote. I read it in a blog of a songwriter I follow. Its kind of perplexing to me as it stopped me in my tracks and had my mind racing for a couple of hours at the end of a recent weekday. All at once I had these mixed emotions that both frightened me and excited me all at once. These words hit at something deep inside me that wants to do great things. At the same time they hit a chord in me that consistenly worries that I might someday become so obsessed with what I want to do that I pursue them to the detriment of my family, friends and/or coworkers. These two emotions collided as I thought about these words and I got into thinking mode. Philosophizing and theologizing and daydreamizing (new word. I kinda like it).

Sooo, why the mixed emotions? Any person (and certainly any American!) should read that quote and be totally juiced by the word "heroic". Who doesn't want to be heroic? My personal heroes have been those people I've met or read about who have put aside their own personal desires for the sake of a greater goal. Friends and family members who have put aside worldly successes to follow a more humble path in service to their families, churches, teams, communities, country, neighborhoods and cities. I so admire these people because they encourage in me the inkling in my Spirit that says I can be a "success" and not necessarily have the largest paycheck or the nicest car or... an Amazon Kindle... (which incidentally is now just $189 and would hold 1500 of my favorite books AND has 3G wireless AND delivers all of my favorite titles IN JUST 60 SECONDS OR LESS! Oh dear, I am salivating). I'll be honest, sometimes my most human self would really like to take hold of some of these things as my own.

While I at first thought of my favorite personal heroes, I at the same time thought about the insstances in life that I want to be heroic for heroism's sake. I've spent alot of time contemplating my own thoughts and actions over the past couple of years and there's a part of me that I don't like that rears its ugly head at times. There is a piece of me that is pompous about the opportunities I've had, about the views I hold (politically, theologically) and the ways I look at success over and against the ways others might. When at this "heroic" height, I am a super hero for my causes and nothing can get in my way! I might not say this outloud but rest assured, in my mind, I am most certainly forumulating these sentences. " Lets face it chica/chico. My ideas are just better than yours and we would all get along much better if everyone could agree on this fact and move on. Come along now, we're all getting on the Courtney Train. You can sit right next to me. smile." whoa! who is THAT lady?!

How true is this though people?! who doesn't do this at some point or other in their lives? Thus, the idea of living heroically, as suggested by this author, was quite scary to me at the same time as it was hugely exciting. Surely I want to leave a legacy in the places I walk but sometimes the legacy that leaders leave is one that people don't care to recall!  This "anti-heroism", as I prefer to call it, is the kind where I am the center of attention. I have all  the ideas, and I am always right. After a while I am out of ideas, out of energy and suddenly I am the captain of a sinking ship. That is so exhausting.

So what do I do with this part of me that actually DOES want to live heroically but in a way that is humble and that serves and that leaves a place better than the way it started? As someone who has embraced the teachings of Jesus, I realized in my ruminations on this quote that I need not be scared if I interpret the idea behind heroic living correctly. After all, what follows this author's desire for significance is a vision of success that he cannot accomplish through human effort alone. He wants to live in such a way that "turns the invisible to the visible, that is a solid intrusion of the eternal into the divided streets of humanity."

hmmmm. I've not really made anything visible that was not previously there. Nor have I been able to, in my own strength, bring eternity into a divided group. Unless you include the time I was a camp counselor in charge of a 45 minute camp class entitled "Fun with Science." These children were quite divided over the "fun" we were all having on our "nature walk" in the hot summer sun. "NATURE = SCIENCE my dear children" I remember thinking. "we have 40 more minutes until we can all go play soccer so just keep walking and enjoying this eternal walk in humidity and heat." (to this day I do not know why I was put in charge of this class. totally absurd.)

I have seen, however, that when I am at the end of my rope and I let go, a force that I have only ever adequately describe as God has indeed brought the invisible to my sight and the eternal force of love into my divided self. On this journey with God I have seen neglected, "invisible" city streets become inhabited with new families. I have seen seemingly invisible people come alive as they come to understand the concept of being loved in spite of their many failings. And I have personally felt and understood that truly godly heroism is most often attained when I commit to living each day for the Lord, stop blocking His grace, and remain open to what might lie behind the next corner.

It reminds me of an old soccer move. Your up against a defender and there's no way out. Pull back and open your gate and there's the whole field in front of you. Your defenders are at your back and you've got a new path laid out ahead. a helpful analogy I think as we finish up world cup 2010, eh?

I think when I get up every day for the next couple of months I am going to ask how I might live heroically today. Right now, I think thats going to look radically different then what I first thought it might look like as I ponder this little piece of wisdom. There have been a lot of ways in which I have tried to push my way to success. I hope I can continue to stay open in these coming months and that God will provide opportunities for me to partner with Him to make eternal love visible where there is halting division. Please pray for me that he will!