Postmortem

I am about to write a post that I cant believe I am going to write. I'll be the first to admit that it's a bit odd at the healthy, young age of 27 to think about such things. But theres alot of things I never thought I'd do...or say...or think. Such is life. Here it goes.

I'm thinking about Death.

Death.

Dying.

Decay.

Are we uncomfortable yet? Me too.

A dear friend of ours is currently fighting for her life in Atlanta. A young mom in her 30s with 2 beautiful sons and a wonderful husband. I know her picture for her life did not include this. Nope. Alyson in a sterile hospital with chemotherapy coursing through her veins. Chemotherapy that makes her so weak that she faints when sitting up. Chemotherapy so toxic that it kills the good cells along with the bad requiring her to be away from her children for weeks on end. This is not what any of us pictured.

But its reality. and its a reality for millions of moms and dads. so are car wrecks and plane crashes and earthquakes and tsunamis.

I was sitting in my car preparing to head home the other day and stopped to check another Caring Bridge update from the Horton family on my iphone. There was hope and concern in Alyson's post. Hope that her HCG levels will remain low. Concern if they rise again that theres no more options. The reality of death hit me like a ton of bricks! We hope and pray that Alyson will live until she's 90. By God's grace, she will. I hope and pray that Andy and I will be old and rickety and running into each other with our walkers that have bright yellow tennis balls on the bottom.

But....What if that isn't to be?

It was such a paradox for me to be weighed down with this. Spring has sprung in Galveston and new life is everywhere. My plants are perking up, Nellie is anxious for walks and the windows have flown open to shake up the winter dust. But a part of me was suddenly wondering if I should be pulling out more stops. I should exercise more...or get more sleep...or stop talking into my "cancer inducing cell phone" or look into whats REALLY in our tap water, the hormone induced chicken that I will eat for dinner tonight...or the air I'm breathing in and out right now!!! I quickly realized how impractical I was being.

I got home and started up an after work conversation with Ola, our roomate. Her mom also has cancer, and she's recently received more bad news. Ola, a scientist, feels pressured to give her mom a hopeful answer. But the science doesn't necessarily back it.

What do we do with these realities? My life, my 27 years, suddenly felt so precarious. It could be over in an instant. In the history of the world, it IS an instant. A look at history will show Courtney Beck's 70, 80, 90 years as a blip. a single breath.

But I think I'm OK with that.

Here's why. Day by day I am learning that none of this is about me.

All of history, all of creation, every living thing, every day, every second of my life and yours is ordained by an all powerful and merciful Creator. It is a severe mercy and a profound grace that keeps my heart beating and my lungs breathing and my mind thinking day in and day out. Science explains it. And God ordains it. I can exercise all I want or eat as much organic spinach as I can fit in my stomach and still be hit by a car tomorrow. And not a single moment would be out of God's design.

Alyson's cancer is not a surprise to God. God wasn't sitting in the doctors office with Alyson and overcome by the surprise of it all. He's not hitting Jesus on the head and asking him to figure out the next step. IT WAS A PART OF THE PLAN ALL ALONG.

Death is part of the plan for a broken world. A broken world where we all still think we're the center of attention. A broken world where I unintentionally, and if I'm honest, sometimes intentionally, hurt those I love. When its all about me, then death is a part of the plan. Because I did not create myself. And a world perfected will be a world where my life is lived in worship and thanksgiving to the One who created me. He gives and He takes away and we live each day in this not-yet-perfect world preparing through grace for a perfect one that is to come.

Thank you Jesus that cancer does not have the last word. Thank God that the sufferings of this world are not the means to the end. My joy has returned as quickly as it threatened to leave.

"Then I saw a new heaven and a new earth, for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away, and there was no longer any sea. I saw the Holy City, the new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride beautifully dressed for her husband. And i heard a loud voice from the throne saying, 'now the dwelling of God is with men, and he will live with them. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God. He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order off things has passed away.' " Rev. 21: 1-4