Shivering in the Cold...on a not so Cold Island.

Its Christmas time! Wahoo! I am so thankful for this season even though in many ways I feel like it kind of pounced upon me without warning. Christmas is funny for us around here as by the time the Advent season rolls around we are just turning off the air conditioning and getting used to what it feels like to walk outside and not instantly start sweating. Having moved from a place with seasons I find it harder to get in the spirit when I'm still wearing shorts!

That said, Pandora's "Christmas Radio" has done wonders along with the purchase of our humorously shaped Christmas tree that is now strung with lights, adorned with ornaments and topped with Dingo the Flamingo, back on his Christmas perch.

We had a wonderful November here as we celebrated entry into our 3rd year in Texas. We headed off to Austin again early in the month to visit with friends. John and Suzy Mac came out to see Suzy's brother and we met them there to tour our favorite Texas city again. We had a blast and got to see  a few things that we didnt catch last time we were there; including Lance Armstrong's bike shop! More than anything it was awesome to catch up again with the Suzy and John - two of the warmest/loving human beings that I know.

We also had a visit from my sister, brother in law and nephew for our first Texan Thanksgiving. I have to say...Texan Thanksgivings ROCK. We gathered with friends and enjoyed deep fried turkey with all the fixings. Delicious! Strike the fried turkey off the bucket list!

Its odd with all of these fun happenings that I'm finding myself in the midst of a season of blue. I hesitate to write about it for couple of reasons. One major reason is I am deeply uncomfortable with those who consistently vomit their emotions on those around them. Maybe thats something I need to deal with myself but I'm often curious of people who express their personal frustrations in a continuously public manner. I almost wonder if its a sort of escape from the hard work that perhaps should be done in quiet. (Of course, I am saying all of this on a semi public blog so maybe I should quit pointing the finger while I'm ahead!)

I also don't want it to seem like I am at the bottom of a hopeless barrell and am in need of some sort of intervention. In writing to a friend recently I expressed that this season is actually something I feel I've been led to for a season. Kind of like Moses was led into the wilderness. Lord knows Moses' wilderness was an important part of the story of faith. Maybe mine is too...

All that said, I think theres something to be said for showing vulnerability. In a world that yells at us to "grin and bear it" or drown our pains in the idol of the week, I wonder if sharing and bearing our pains together could bring unity. So, at the risk of being THAT girl, I give you my momentary struggle.

I have slammed into "the wall". I'm shaking off the blow and waiting for God (sometimes yelling at God) to tear the wall down. I'm frustrated because I want to use the skills that I've been given to serve with the greatest capacity. I'm frustrated with the Church in Galveston because I often find its operating on cruise control. I'm frustrated with myself because I've created comfort zones around areas of my life where Christ can't be King, causing my joy to be squelched. I'm exasperated with this city that seems to be run by no less than 30,000 rugged individualists who couldnt collaborate to save their lives much less their city. and because of all this I.AM.SO.FRUSTRATED!

It was a sweet reminder the other day to read David's Psalm and realize that I am not alone. In fact, it seems like misery has some company with a King from a few thousand years ago:

How long, O LORD? Will you forget me forever?

How long will you hide your face from me?

How long must I take counsel in my soul

and have sorrow in my heart all the day?

Psalm 13: 1-2

So its been a season of tears more than anything else as I've realized that, yes, this is indeed a brick wall that I have hit and I am all banged up! But its funny because in some ways it seems somewhat appropriate. I was putting our nativity set out the other day and found myself all teary eyed as I put Mary and Jesus down next to Joseph and the sheep. I didn't completely know where those tears came from until "Do you Hear what I Hear" made its way onto the radio. This carol paints a really beautiful picture of the Christmas story that I never really focused in on all that much until I heard this verse:

"A child, a child, shivers in the cold..."

Suddenly tears were streaming down my face as I remembered that this is the reason that Christianity makes so much sense to me.  In many ways I'm thankful for my tears as I remember the season in my life where my heart was so hard and I thought it was inappropriate to cry. God became flesh and endured our burdens with us. For close to a decade now He's been the only answer to whats broken around me. He shivered, he cried, he got angry. He came as a baby - helpless in every way but for the Spirit of God working through Mary and Joseph who said "Yes."

So, I suppose this is kind of a depressing post - but let me not leave it that way. Not because I am superhuman and overly optimistic but because I know despair is not the end of the Story. Its because of this same Christmas message that I have an unhuman hope and know that I don't have to stew in my blues. My failures, the Church's failures, our city's failures are not the end of the story. Christ makes all things new - and I will plead with him, cry with him, and seek his face so long as he gives me the grace and human breath to do so.

"But there will be no gloom for her who was in anguish...

The people who walked in darkness

have seen a great light;

those who dwelt in a land of deep darkness,

on them has light shined.

You have multiplied the nation;

you have increased its joy;

they rejoice before you

as with joy at the harvest,

as they are glad when they divide the spoil.

For the yoke of his burden,

and the staff for his shoulder,

the rod of his oppressor,

you have broken as on the day of Midian...

For to us a child is born,

to us a son is given;

and the government shall be upon[d] his shoulder,

and his name shall be called

Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God,

Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.

Of the increase of his government and of peace

there will be no end,

on the throne of David and over his kingdom,

to establish it and to uphold it

with justice and with righteousness

from this time forth and forevermore.

The zeal of the LORD of hosts will do this."

 

Isaiah 9:1-7

Living Heroically

"I want to live in a manner that feels heroic, that turns the invisible to the visible, that is a solid intrusion of the eternal into the divided streets of humanity."

I love this quote. I read it in a blog of a songwriter I follow. Its kind of perplexing to me as it stopped me in my tracks and had my mind racing for a couple of hours at the end of a recent weekday. All at once I had these mixed emotions that both frightened me and excited me all at once. These words hit at something deep inside me that wants to do great things. At the same time they hit a chord in me that consistenly worries that I might someday become so obsessed with what I want to do that I pursue them to the detriment of my family, friends and/or coworkers. These two emotions collided as I thought about these words and I got into thinking mode. Philosophizing and theologizing and daydreamizing (new word. I kinda like it).

Sooo, why the mixed emotions? Any person (and certainly any American!) should read that quote and be totally juiced by the word "heroic". Who doesn't want to be heroic? My personal heroes have been those people I've met or read about who have put aside their own personal desires for the sake of a greater goal. Friends and family members who have put aside worldly successes to follow a more humble path in service to their families, churches, teams, communities, country, neighborhoods and cities. I so admire these people because they encourage in me the inkling in my Spirit that says I can be a "success" and not necessarily have the largest paycheck or the nicest car or... an Amazon Kindle... (which incidentally is now just $189 and would hold 1500 of my favorite books AND has 3G wireless AND delivers all of my favorite titles IN JUST 60 SECONDS OR LESS! Oh dear, I am salivating). I'll be honest, sometimes my most human self would really like to take hold of some of these things as my own.

While I at first thought of my favorite personal heroes, I at the same time thought about the insstances in life that I want to be heroic for heroism's sake. I've spent alot of time contemplating my own thoughts and actions over the past couple of years and there's a part of me that I don't like that rears its ugly head at times. There is a piece of me that is pompous about the opportunities I've had, about the views I hold (politically, theologically) and the ways I look at success over and against the ways others might. When at this "heroic" height, I am a super hero for my causes and nothing can get in my way! I might not say this outloud but rest assured, in my mind, I am most certainly forumulating these sentences. " Lets face it chica/chico. My ideas are just better than yours and we would all get along much better if everyone could agree on this fact and move on. Come along now, we're all getting on the Courtney Train. You can sit right next to me. smile." whoa! who is THAT lady?!

How true is this though people?! who doesn't do this at some point or other in their lives? Thus, the idea of living heroically, as suggested by this author, was quite scary to me at the same time as it was hugely exciting. Surely I want to leave a legacy in the places I walk but sometimes the legacy that leaders leave is one that people don't care to recall!  This "anti-heroism", as I prefer to call it, is the kind where I am the center of attention. I have all  the ideas, and I am always right. After a while I am out of ideas, out of energy and suddenly I am the captain of a sinking ship. That is so exhausting.

So what do I do with this part of me that actually DOES want to live heroically but in a way that is humble and that serves and that leaves a place better than the way it started? As someone who has embraced the teachings of Jesus, I realized in my ruminations on this quote that I need not be scared if I interpret the idea behind heroic living correctly. After all, what follows this author's desire for significance is a vision of success that he cannot accomplish through human effort alone. He wants to live in such a way that "turns the invisible to the visible, that is a solid intrusion of the eternal into the divided streets of humanity."

hmmmm. I've not really made anything visible that was not previously there. Nor have I been able to, in my own strength, bring eternity into a divided group. Unless you include the time I was a camp counselor in charge of a 45 minute camp class entitled "Fun with Science." These children were quite divided over the "fun" we were all having on our "nature walk" in the hot summer sun. "NATURE = SCIENCE my dear children" I remember thinking. "we have 40 more minutes until we can all go play soccer so just keep walking and enjoying this eternal walk in humidity and heat." (to this day I do not know why I was put in charge of this class. totally absurd.)

I have seen, however, that when I am at the end of my rope and I let go, a force that I have only ever adequately describe as God has indeed brought the invisible to my sight and the eternal force of love into my divided self. On this journey with God I have seen neglected, "invisible" city streets become inhabited with new families. I have seen seemingly invisible people come alive as they come to understand the concept of being loved in spite of their many failings. And I have personally felt and understood that truly godly heroism is most often attained when I commit to living each day for the Lord, stop blocking His grace, and remain open to what might lie behind the next corner.

It reminds me of an old soccer move. Your up against a defender and there's no way out. Pull back and open your gate and there's the whole field in front of you. Your defenders are at your back and you've got a new path laid out ahead. a helpful analogy I think as we finish up world cup 2010, eh?

I think when I get up every day for the next couple of months I am going to ask how I might live heroically today. Right now, I think thats going to look radically different then what I first thought it might look like as I ponder this little piece of wisdom. There have been a lot of ways in which I have tried to push my way to success. I hope I can continue to stay open in these coming months and that God will provide opportunities for me to partner with Him to make eternal love visible where there is halting division. Please pray for me that he will!