Postmortem

I am about to write a post that I cant believe I am going to write. I'll be the first to admit that it's a bit odd at the healthy, young age of 27 to think about such things. But theres alot of things I never thought I'd do...or say...or think. Such is life. Here it goes.

I'm thinking about Death.

Death.

Dying.

Decay.

Are we uncomfortable yet? Me too.

A dear friend of ours is currently fighting for her life in Atlanta. A young mom in her 30s with 2 beautiful sons and a wonderful husband. I know her picture for her life did not include this. Nope. Alyson in a sterile hospital with chemotherapy coursing through her veins. Chemotherapy that makes her so weak that she faints when sitting up. Chemotherapy so toxic that it kills the good cells along with the bad requiring her to be away from her children for weeks on end. This is not what any of us pictured.

But its reality. and its a reality for millions of moms and dads. so are car wrecks and plane crashes and earthquakes and tsunamis.

I was sitting in my car preparing to head home the other day and stopped to check another Caring Bridge update from the Horton family on my iphone. There was hope and concern in Alyson's post. Hope that her HCG levels will remain low. Concern if they rise again that theres no more options. The reality of death hit me like a ton of bricks! We hope and pray that Alyson will live until she's 90. By God's grace, she will. I hope and pray that Andy and I will be old and rickety and running into each other with our walkers that have bright yellow tennis balls on the bottom.

But....What if that isn't to be?

It was such a paradox for me to be weighed down with this. Spring has sprung in Galveston and new life is everywhere. My plants are perking up, Nellie is anxious for walks and the windows have flown open to shake up the winter dust. But a part of me was suddenly wondering if I should be pulling out more stops. I should exercise more...or get more sleep...or stop talking into my "cancer inducing cell phone" or look into whats REALLY in our tap water, the hormone induced chicken that I will eat for dinner tonight...or the air I'm breathing in and out right now!!! I quickly realized how impractical I was being.

I got home and started up an after work conversation with Ola, our roomate. Her mom also has cancer, and she's recently received more bad news. Ola, a scientist, feels pressured to give her mom a hopeful answer. But the science doesn't necessarily back it.

What do we do with these realities? My life, my 27 years, suddenly felt so precarious. It could be over in an instant. In the history of the world, it IS an instant. A look at history will show Courtney Beck's 70, 80, 90 years as a blip. a single breath.

But I think I'm OK with that.

Here's why. Day by day I am learning that none of this is about me.

All of history, all of creation, every living thing, every day, every second of my life and yours is ordained by an all powerful and merciful Creator. It is a severe mercy and a profound grace that keeps my heart beating and my lungs breathing and my mind thinking day in and day out. Science explains it. And God ordains it. I can exercise all I want or eat as much organic spinach as I can fit in my stomach and still be hit by a car tomorrow. And not a single moment would be out of God's design.

Alyson's cancer is not a surprise to God. God wasn't sitting in the doctors office with Alyson and overcome by the surprise of it all. He's not hitting Jesus on the head and asking him to figure out the next step. IT WAS A PART OF THE PLAN ALL ALONG.

Death is part of the plan for a broken world. A broken world where we all still think we're the center of attention. A broken world where I unintentionally, and if I'm honest, sometimes intentionally, hurt those I love. When its all about me, then death is a part of the plan. Because I did not create myself. And a world perfected will be a world where my life is lived in worship and thanksgiving to the One who created me. He gives and He takes away and we live each day in this not-yet-perfect world preparing through grace for a perfect one that is to come.

Thank you Jesus that cancer does not have the last word. Thank God that the sufferings of this world are not the means to the end. My joy has returned as quickly as it threatened to leave.

"Then I saw a new heaven and a new earth, for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away, and there was no longer any sea. I saw the Holy City, the new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride beautifully dressed for her husband. And i heard a loud voice from the throne saying, 'now the dwelling of God is with men, and he will live with them. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God. He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order off things has passed away.' " Rev. 21: 1-4

Yankees feeling Settled

Greetings!

It has been sometime since i jumped on here. I think thats been mostly intentional on my part as I've wanted to take in the new year and see a what is has in store.

Mostly normal stuff so far. Yay for normal! A few weeks ago, we met up with some friends at the Spot, a local sports bar and burger joint on the seawall. Over that particular winter weekend I realized that i had finally made peace with my new Texan home. I strutted up to the counter to order my food proudly sporting my cowgirl hat and plaid shirt which I donned for this celebratory occasion. They knew it too. Courts gonna be just fine.

So theres much to catch up on in my next couple of blogs! Andy is in a particularly intense part of his schooling. In April he will prepare to defend his work to date to his committee. If all goes well he'll be hitting the lab and preparing his dissertation.

We've been so enjoying our home. We rented the place with the intention of taking on a roomate. Ola has been with us for about 6 months and will be moving at the end of march up to Houston. We have loved having her! She comes to the US from her university in Poland. She came not knowing much English, but is now quite the conversationalist! it's been wonderful to share life with her for a few months. I hope we were able to help with her transition to such a new place. She's quite courageous to come to a place so far from home!

I have some other blog posts in mind and look forward to getting them up soon. We've been gardening quite a bit as spring is in full swing! Spring is totally the best part of living here. Temps in the 70s in a beach town...it doesn't get much better.

For now, I'm soaking in some family time on the east coast. So excited to be with those I love so much! Stay tuned...I'm back!


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Location:On a plane, headed east!

A year in photo review

It's been a while! Halloween, thanksgiving...it's almost Christmas! Time to get back in the saddle.

First off, I would like to officially welcome myself to the family of Apple products. "welcome!" While I was skeptical of this Mac kingdom that Andy raves about, a recent laptop death had us at the apple store earlier than expected. I caved. Might I entice you into the world of the iPad? It's not for everyone but it seems to fit my needs very well. Good stuff all around.

With that in mind I bring you to my year in review via iPhone - Apple product 2 of 3 for the Becks. Andy bought me this lovely trinket for my birthday the weekend before we left for Galveston. I realized recently that the pictures I've taken on the phones camera are actually quite a lovely review of our year here! So welcome to the highs and lows of year 1. Here goes...










The long haul! 1500 miles, two people, a cat and a dog.









Half way to Galveston! Chatanooga, TN after about 9 hours on the road. The pets were glad to be out of the car and away from each other!










A little home sickness...It's ok Nellie! You can bark at our new mailman!








Lots of homework! Harley = Andys taskmaster








Visits from family!








Thursday night scrabble with the girls. Or is it really "wine" night?









Volunteering at the Salvation Army.








Conquering fears :-)








Conquering atrocious summer heat








Dancing in the streets!







Embracing Texan pride :-)








A touch of sarcasm. Some days a bit more than a touch :-)








Planting new roots.








Snuggle fests.








Delighting in the little things







Delighting in the BIG things!








Many heart to hearts!







making lots of new friends!








And building hearts full of hope that our time to come in Galveston will build upon our first year in this grand journey!

Merry Christmas!

The Education of a Yankee Texan

I read an article recently in the New York Times entitled "The Education of a President". It was a lengthy article written over the course of several visits with President Obama as he nears the middle point of his administrations first term in office.

Here's a quote:
“I make no apologies for having set high expectations for myself and for the country, because I think we can meet those expectations,” he said. “Now, the one thing that I will say — which I anticipated and can be tough — is the fact that in a big, messy democracy like this, everything takes time. And we’re not a culture that’s built on patience.”

I think we can all relate to impatience. In keeping with our American culture, I confess that I am not a woman of patience either. In some ways I am better than in others. But even as I sit here and contemplate my most recent interactions, I know that I could have spent more time listening than speaking. More time watching then speeding through.

This part of my nature has come out boldly in these past months. I am impatient for community, impatient for better projects at work, impatient for my time here in Galveston to be put to the best and most perfect use at every minute of every day. The Yankee part of me even wants my SLEEP to be productive!

*******



We've been reading through the book of Hebrews these past couple of months. If you want an exercise in patience read through the first 10 chapters of this book! There is some beautiful, irreplaceable wisdom in this book but WOW. It is super dense.

Chapters 11 and 12 are so timely for me as I really dig into the idea that God exists outside of time. We've all heard it. For the Creator, Yesterday might as well by 1,000 years from now:

By faith we understand that the universe was formed at God's command, so that what is seen was not made out of what was visible...
By faith, Abraham, when called to go to a place he would later receive as his inheritance, obeyed and went, even though he did not know where he was going.
By faith he made his home in the promised land like a stranger in a foreign country, he lived in tents as did Isaac and Jacob, who were heirs with him of the same promise. For he was looking forward to the city with foundations whose architect and builder is God...
By faith Abraham offered Isaac as a sacrifice...,
By faith Isaac blessed Jacob and Esau in regard to their future...,
By faith, Jacob when he was dying blessed each of his sons, and worshipped as he leaned on the top of his staff.
By faith, Moses was hidden...,
By faith, Rahab...
By faith, Gideon, Barak, Samson, Jephthah, David, Samuel, the prophets and many women conquered kingdoms, administered justice, were tortured, were blessed, were strengthened, were beaten, wandered...

All were commended for their faith and none of them received what had been promised. For God had planned something better for us so that only together with US would THEY be made perfect,

so that we might inherit an

unshakable kingdom. 

Hebrews 11, 12:28 (my translation)

For all of my frustrations and impatience, it strikes me that God is infinitely patient. The writer of Hebrews in this chapter, effectively retraces all of biblical history and suggests that every single follower endured and followed as only a part of the whole picture. Perhaps my year of seeming "loose ends" is equivalent to Sarah's waiting for a son, and Moses' 40 years of wandering, and the Israelites years in captivity. I think about that alot...

40 years of wandering. I might have to invest in some better shoes.  

*******

I read Hebrews and I now know that as I take my place in this redemption story I will not likely inherit, in my time in this world, the glory and joy and peace of the eternal kingdom of God in full. Surely, I will see beautiful glimpses, but a holy humility comes over me as I recognize that I am just one of many characters in God's redemption story. As God is healing me after a painful year, I cling to this knowledge:

"The Lord did not set his affection on you and choose you because you were more numerous than other people. it was because the Lord loved you and kept the oath he swore to your forefathers that he brought you out with a mighty hand and redeemed you from the land of slavery, from the power of Pharaoh king of Egypt. Know therefore that the Lord your God is GOD; he is a faithful God keeping his covenant of love to a thousand generations of those who love him and keep his commands." Deuteronomy 5: 7-9

I hope God doesn't mind a bit of a translation from a modern day reader, but in many ways I see this part of God's love letter to the world written especially to me:

Dear Courtney,

I did not set my affection on you and choose you because you are smarter or more beautiful or more talented than others. I chose you because I love you and I am keeping my promise to those who have stepped out in faith before you.  I have redeemed you through my Son who takes your years of missing the mark, your endless striving to be good, and nails it to a cross. The power that sin had over you is no more. I slammed the door on it. Know that I am the Lord your God and your Creator. I will always be with you regardless of whether the lamp I place before before you is quite bright or dimly lit. When it gets hard, and you feel like you can't see, know this: I have kept and will continue to keep, my holy promise of love for the thousands upon thousands of people who come to me, trust me, and follow the Way of my Son.

God isn't safe. But He is Good.
I will walk by faith.