Thoughts on a December night

Feeling contemplative tonight...this post could either be a massive brain dump with little to be understood by those who might read it. Or perhaps it evolves into a riveting chapter for my memoirs. ha! who knows but I've got an inkling that there's much to write this evening. excuse any typos...Harley wants to be a part of the fun and is making her presence known already.

So its two days after Christmas and while I am tempted to take the easy route and dictate the day's celebratory events (which were festive and all around fun, as Christmas should be!) I find myself drawn to deeper thoughts. Things that have run around in my head over the past week or more and things that I am remembering today.

a memory:

Last year, as Andy prepared his list of universities that he would tour, he added UTMB on the list because of some great work they are doing with infectious disease. The man loves this stuff!! to be short, I think I packed more books on disease than any other. Nothing like throwing titles like "The Coming Plague" into a box for Safe Keeping :-)

That said...when he told me Texas was on the list I all but laughed out loud. It was actually the butt of the joke for a time over the dinner table. It went something like this:

Friend A: "oh, where are you applying Andy?"
Andy: "a bunch of equally hotsy totsy schools actually. Penn State, Hopkins, UC Denver..."
Court: "THE University of Texas...BAHAHAHAHA!! giddy up!!"
ALL LAUGH, equally loudly and obnoxiously. :-P

needless to say I could hardly imagine living in Texas...much less Galveston! the place that seemed like so many other places that have been damaged by Hurricanes as of late. I have been on two service trips to the Gulf Coast in past years and so when I thought of Galveston...I immediately thought of water damaged wood and trees that still haven't recovered from the water that covered them. That said, he was just going to visit and what are the odds that out of 7 applications it would be the only good fit. (note: truthfully, If I had my way I would have limited all schools to a 50 mile radius around Baltimore. I am a sucker for the comfort zone BUT, clearly, not really the best way to make a decision now is it? :-)

Andy came back from Galveston on the first weekend Saturday of the Lenten season leading into Easter. Growing up Catholic, this season has always held special significance for me. He came off the plane saying that in spite of the damaged surroundings, he really really liked the school! I listened carefully, realizing that the joke might become a reality and began to wonder how I might respond to a plan that might not go the way I expect. That Sunday was the start of our Lenten Series entitled "The Way of the Cross" at church. At the front of the sanctuary the worship team had placed two doors. One was a door that looked like it had been, quite literally, through a hurricane. paint was chipping, raw wood was visible in patches. The 2nd door on the other side of the sanctuary was a really beautiful blue door with a stained glass window in it. Very pretty.

I sat down and told myself that I automatically knew what this sermon was going to be about. If we walk the good walk we will get to head through Heaven's door. The beautiful stained glass door on the right side of the sanctuary. If we do not, we have to walk through the ugly door. I silently told myself that I probably should have slept in that morning because I was truly tired and...I already knew what the sermon was going to be about anyway!

Then John started speaking. He was talking about Jesus' sacrifice and how sometimes it means giving up the ways of the world to take the way of the cross. He then suggested that Jesus beckons us to walk through the beaten, broken door for it leads to life. The beautiful stained glass door, while pretty and shiny, can often lead us to stop walking with God because we are crafting our lives for ourselves FIRST and God second.

I was blown away by God in that moment. Andy had just freshly revealed to me his great interest in this school and here I am staring at a door, that leads to life, that looked like it had come right out of Hurricane ravaged Galveston. I've seen a few of these busted up doors in my work in Baltimore and it was so striking to me!! In reality, I have seen radical transformation happen when folks agree to adopt broken houses, broken families, and broken city streets and seek to reinvigorate and love them. The beautiful door to the right looked like the comfort zone I was building up in my mind. I was totally stunned, in a most humble way, by this new picture in front of me.

All was not fully known then but as we discerned...God placed on our hearts that we might need to trust him on this one. All the doors to other schools were closed and we felt called to follow.

I hang on to this memory. When I walk the dog and see the broken doors that surround us. When I talk to neighbors and hear their broken stories. And when I feel push back from my experience thus far and feel the broken spaces in my heart where I have not yet fully grasped my place here. I hang onto the knowledge that from Brokenness God has done incredible things in my life and in others. Indeed it is only a truly broken spirit that can, in its humbled crawling state, reach out to grasp a new and different alternative that leads to life abundant.

"Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom."

so that's where I am today if I am going to truly name it. I suppose I've just not fully come to understand my place here - and that leaves an open space that seeks wholeness. If this leads to life however, and I've faith that it will, then consider me a willing passenger. Til then I will hold tight to that broken door in my mind and look out with expectation at the brokenness that I see quite clearly in front of me. Maybe, with a whopping heap of Grace, I can be a part of the journey towards joy with my neighbors...in so doing I might just find my way as well.

I suppose that's it for tonight - enough to ruminate on for now. grace and peace!